A For Effort: Intentions and the Assignment

 

Good intentions have inspired great lines in television (“He doesn’t have a malicious bone in his body, but watch out for his good intentions.”  – Susannah, referring to Gary Shepherd, on thirtysomething), song lyrics (“It’s hard to rely on my good intentions… when my head’s full of things that I can’t mention” – Toad the Wet Sprocket) and poetry (” To an ex-lover, with good intentions, I never knew words could carve such deep marks.” – Montana Svoboda). The common thread, in all of the above, is the recognition that while one may always mean well, the intentions don’t necessarily translate. This reality can be particularly biting, when focused on fulfilling Sacred Assignments.

“Wait, though, Shannon….. wouldn’t it be true that observation, paired with good  intentions and motivation, would ensure good outcomes?” Ahhh…. if only the bows, of our Assignments, were that neatly tied.

A prime example of this phenomenon struck me, at a tender age. My grand”mother” had something of  china fetish…. she loved it, made no apologies, and had enough patterns to host multiple dinner parties, simultaneously. In 1988, my thirteenth autumn, she decided she wanted to work on acquiring Lenox Eternal, to mix with her Lenox Holiday china. She did very few things, in her life, that were strictly frivolous… at least, very few frivolous things that were strictly for her. The love for china ran deep, it represented more than fancy dishes. China was a portal to her past, and window dressing for the deeper meaning of her present; she loved feeding people, literally and figuratively. Pretty china reminded her of her own mother, and added a touch of elegance, to the real labor she put forth, to properly care for those she loved.

As we all know, example is the most powerful teacher. Watching my grand”mother”, I learned to combine keen observation with the best intentions, to produce optimal results. That Christmas, there was no doubt in my mind what I would get for her… I would start her Lenox Eternal collection, with a sugar bowl. I mean, what could be a better mix/match piece than a sugar bowl? I carefully put back a part of my allowance, for weeks, to take a wad of cash to the nearest Dillards, in pursuit of the perfect Christmas gift. My intentions were set…. I beamed, as I envisioned my gift taking center stage, at the appointed table, for Christmas dinner, 1988.

Of course, at that age, discretion was not my strongest suit…. and, perhaps more importantly, neither was a sense of self-assuredness. I had to figure out a way to bask in my good intentions, without giving away the surprise.

One Sunday afternoon we were discussing Christmas dinner….. it was only a week away…. and I threw out the bait. “When you start building your Eternal collection, you’ll begin with serving pieces like the sugar bowl and creamer, right?”

“Oh no…… those will be the last things I get, I l already have scads of those, that mix well, with the Holiday pattern.”

Dead air. No air. Knocked down. Tears began to flow.

Obviously, my very blunt, yet extremely kind-hearted grand”mother” had no idea…. she ALWAYS had good intentions! She would have never done anything, to purposely hurt my feelings…..

As she followed me, asking “Shannon, what’s wrong? What in the world?!”, hot tears were streaming, beyond my control. I was so disappointed, that I’d made a stupid mistake. I was angry with myself, for asking a leading question, blaming myself, for how crushed I felt. I was not a happy camper, in general. I had been betrayed, by my good intentions.

“Shannon O’Neil, turn around, right now.” The middle name…. the jig is up.

“I thought the serving pieces would be the first thing, they are so versatile, especially the sugar bowl, and I saved my allowance for a long time, and I went and bought that for you, as your big Christmas gift, and I was wrong, and you don’t want it and Christmas is ruined!”

Nothing like a little teen drama to spice up a Sunday afternoon.

Tears immediately rolled down her face, as she realized that her baby girl had such good intentions…. and had set those intentions, worked toward those intentions…. and had her larger-than-life bubble burst…. at her hands!

Apologies, retractions, hugs, more tears…. lots of love…. followed.

I didn’t have the maturity to understand that my intentions were good, and that was what mattered. I still needed the validation of a positive response. Without realizing it, I wanted proof that my intentions were the golden ticket, to making someone I loved very, very happy.

Grand”mother” struggled with the desire to protect me, from anything hurtful. Her intentions were always geared toward building me up, fostering security and self-efficacy.

What a pair we were, that Sunday afternoon.

The Eternal sugar bowl indeed took center stage, for the rest of her life. It was in the very middle, among her other pieces, in her china cabinet…. her intention was set on showing me that my gift was a treasure…. for many more reasons than its elegance or utility.

How does this business of intention affect Sacred Assignments? As humans, with the best of intentions we will often get it right…. but, there will be times when despite our best intentions, we will inevitably get it wrong. This doesn’t mean that we’ve failed an Assignment; it means we’ve learned that there’s another way.

Maintaining a good heart, with the best of intentions, is a Sacred Assignment, in itself. This life is full of so many expectations… especially during times rife with inflated anticipation. At these times, a gentle touch is required, to fully appreciate the good intentions of others… and certainly one’s own good intentions.

Without the benefit of a map, Assignments are paved with possibilities for detours…. finding a better way….. maintaining a good heart, even during periods of discouragement, fortify outcomes…. notwithstanding immediate events.  Come to regard good intentions as a foundation, for Assignments…. the details will eventually sort themselves.

 

It’s the Most___________ Time of the Year: Holidays and the Assignment

Source: It’s the Most___________ Time of the Year: Holidays and the Assignment

It’s the Most___________ Time of the Year: Holidays and the Assignment

“And when one of us is gone… and one is left alone to carry on… remembering will have to do…. our memories alone… will get us through… just think about the days of me and you…. you and me…. against the world.” – Paul Williams and Kenny Ascher

 

When I was a small girl, my grand”mother” used to sing “You and Me Against the World” to me…. among other songs, like “Sing” and “The 57th Street Bridge Song (Feeling Groovy)”…… but “You and Me Against the World” took on special meaning… because there was this part of me… maybe a part of her, too, that knew one day… it would be us… alone… against the world. For eighteen years, it was exactly this…. but it was fine… better than fine. We were actually very, very happy… because even when problems came up (they invariably do, for us all)…. even when one of us was ill ….. whatever… we made it a point to find humor… find gratitude… find hope. That was how we handled… she and I, against the world.

The holidays were always particularly joyful…. her inner child would come out in full force, swinging from the drapes ( to decorate them, of course), while pulling together just the right meal, just the right music…. all the right gifts. She cataloged every mere mention, all through the year… and collected gifts, as wishes surfaced. It was never about “whoever has the most toys wins!” Oh no, on the contrary…. it was about paying attention…. waiting , watching and listening…. to observe the clarion call of love. At Christmas time, that just happened to involve tangible signs.

The holidays are now a little sad; not because of the gifts…. or anything related to the celebratory part…. well, nothing except the spirit. She and I, against the world, could mean confronting some pretty tough issues… but she and I, against the world, at Christmas, meant spreading love to everyone we could think of…. people who served us, all through the year…. people who needed a hand-up…. but shhhh!!! No deed worth doing is aided by the press. We were a team of two elves, doing for others…. and each other. The most fun I’ve ever had, at Christmas, was surprising her with something she never thought she’d get around to buying for herself. I will say…in that regard,  I was a pretty good student… because it just felt so good.

What does all of this reminiscing have to do with your Sacred Assignment? Actually, it has everything to do with all of our Sacred Assignments. During the holidays (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza , etc.) we are called to hope.. and love… and peace. The best representations of hope, love and peace involves loving others, and loving them well. We often say we wish Christmas could be all year (its spirit could, that’s our choice)…. but how do we cultivate these feelings, when we are left as a party of one? There are many ideas out there, for living with loss, during festive seasons:

A. Do for others: Nothing gets one outside personal circumstances quite like doing good turns for others. A friend of mine recently ran a purse drive, where they collected gently used nice purses, then filled them with toiletries and other needed items, for  displaced women. That is a day-maker.

B. Starting new traditions, with those who need to bring fresh meaning to the holidays:  Grand”mother” can’t make fudge and divinity anymore…. (and sorry, but nobody else can make it like she did). Yet, there is something someone can do… maybe even me…. that would establish a new tradition, one that would become cherished.

C. Reaching out: Whether one is on the side of free-flowing gifts, or life has placed one in a valley of uncertainty, the message of the holidays, regardless of the tradition, is one of hope and suspension of disbelief. Faith, is the better term. Faith that things will work out. Faith in human kindness. Faith in common humanity. Faith….. in an existential force which DOES care…. and beckons us to care, deeply.

The Sacred Assignment…. it is so fraught, for the observant. The Holidays offer many opportunities for growth, sharpening, as we prepare to start a new cycle,  a new year, full of promise and joy. Remember the widows, remember the orphans…. remember the least, among us. Clearly, these are Sacred Assignments, for the entire year…. but let the spirit of the holidays reaffirm your commitment…. whether it is you and a big family… you and one other…. or simply you. You are always enough.

Mother May I? Giving Oneself Permission to Take a Large Leap

There are times when the only step forward is a great, big, Mother-May-I leap!

I was talking with a colleague I greatly admire, someone who has that wisdom of the ages, with a sense of humor to sometimes soften the reality of it all. We were discussing her daughter….. but, I think she and I both knew we were discussing me, too. She said ” I told my daughter, sometimes God will back you into a corner, and make you so uncomfortable, because that’s the only way He knows how to get your full attention, His only way to motivate you to MOVE.”  She looked at me…. with one of her “You know it’s true!” looks….. I nodded in agreement. Yep….. God’s been known to do that in my life, a time or two.

Most people are averse to change, but I’ve always believed that I’m not really one of them. If being somewhere else meant progress, I’ve always been ready to take the leap. If the road I was on led to a dead-end, I’d find a fork and go another way. Perhaps this track record of successful reversals is what’s made the past few years so painfully difficult.

Over the last few years the nature of the economy has wreaked havoc on plenty of people, decimating “sure things”, all over the place. Still, even with such economic instability, the one thing that could supposedly protect one from financial ruin was a solid education. I grew up under the illusion that a good education was the shield of protection from any given life storm; your spouse walks out on you? Sorry for the broken heart, but you’re educated, you’ll be fine! Lose a job due to “right-sizing”? That’s okay, you don’t want to work for such a chintzy company anyhow! That education you toiled for will give you entree into a better, brighter future! Experience a catastrophic illness? Well, at least you have those shiny diplomas that will preserve your marketability! And so on….. and so forth.

Of course, as research into EQ (emotional quotient) has come to dominate the field of industrial/organizational psychology, we’ve learned that a person’s emotional intelligence is equally, if not more important, than IQ (aptitude) and achievement (all those dart-board diplomas).  So, there’s always that.

As I’ve been battered around by interim positions, part-time gigs and patchwork economics ( the “new normal” of educated professionals cobbling together three part-time jobs to equal a full-time job… minus the benefits, of course), I’ve questioned myself, repeatedly, about what I’ve been doing (or not doing)….. what was the missing piece of the puzzle? I have the credentials…. I’ve even won awards, for performance…. people don’t automatically leave the room, when I enter the doorway…. so… what gives?!

While focusing on small-time change, I was missing the bigger point. There are times when an individual is doing all s/he can do, and things still don’t work out… not because of lack of effort or lack of desire…. it’s because they are simply in the wrong place, at the wrong time! No, no…. it’s true!

Those of us who are self-deprecating live with a double-edged sword. It’s important to be humble, and to always look at oneself, first, before turning one’s gaze outward. It’s healthy to analyze how one can make things better, by changing this or that. What is not healthy is dwelling on possible changes within oneself that will never, EVER produce the desired results…. because the problem is location and timing.

Now is not the time to have lots of credentials, in a field like education. It is also not the time to have ideas, regardless of how counterintuitive that sounds.  Now, in this economy, is the time to bow one’s head, do not speak unless spoken to, and resign oneself to being an inexpensive cog in the wheel…. the more inexpensive, the better.

That realization can either cause despair… or a sense that one is being called to make even bigger changes… maybe the change doesn’t mean a move to the next county…. maybe it means a move across the Pacific! Maybe it means doing what one loves, just in an entirely different market! Maybe it means one is being called toward adventure and exponential growth.

If we view our career as touched by the Sacred Assignment (for the record, I don’t see any separation between the two), we quickly realize that even if some other aspect of life is in need of rejuvenation, it could easily mean that there will be changes in the career pattern as well. If I can help kids in Nashville, Tennessee, I can help kids in Guangzhou, China, too…. AND there may be something else really important for me to do, in Guangzhou, China…. but I’d never know, unless I picked up and moved there… and my career is really the only avenue God could use to point me in that direction.

The hardest part of this “lost in the wilderness” period of my life has been the self – doubt…. the gnawing accusations, in my head and heart, that I was ill-equipped to do what I felt called to do. I’ve wondered, many times in tears, what I lacked, to fulfill the mission God had set for me? I now see I lacked a broader vision… as soon as I was ready to open my eyes, fully…. the road appeared. The way forward was now paved and ready.

Large leaps aren’t any more uncomfortable than small steps…. both require a sense of self, confidence and the ability to say farewell to certain dreams.  However, when trying to fulfill the Sacred Assignment, we understand that dreams are merely tools…. a way to get us excited and motivated, to go do the important stuff. So maybe we never say goodbye to any dream, after all. Maybe we just take it forward.

Written in Sand: Making Peace With Uncertainty

I started a new consulting job this week, doing research and assessment. I love my team leader; she’s a a spunky little spitfire who is smart as a whip. She was explaining the ropes to me, and as she described how the organization operates, she said something that really struck me: ” Everything around here is written in sand.”

What an interesting, symbolic statement….. everything, written in sand.

As I thought about this, I couldn’t help but reflect on how unstable things seem. All who are experiencing a period of uncertainty now comprise the “new norm”…… continuity is so passe. What once appeared as “misfortune”, in a vacuum, a place where everyone found themselves at some point, yet mercifully escaped…. is now standard. Most discover a path to more solid ground, but what about the time in the various bubbles of volatility? . Modern life is fraught with transience, a predictable result in a disposable culture.

Such cheerful thoughts, I know. However, there does seem to be a silver lining, to this particular cloud. Actually, there are two silver linings, a doubly- lined cloud, if you will.

The first thing that is beautiful, about plans written in sand, is opportunity. For those of us who pursue the Sacred Assignments in life, tasks written in sand provide a place to exercise faith. Sitting, waiting, wishing….. and praying. It is lonely, it is stressful, it causes great anxiety…. but it doesn’t have to lead to despair. If the Sacred Assignment is real, and I firmly believe it is….. then we all must batten down the hatches, when the winds blow too hard. It takes a metaphysical approach, to successfully release fear. Fear is so inherent, to the human condition; faith is so inherent, to all which transcends this realm. All mixed up, don’t know what to do? The best answer, in the immediate, is nothing…. except calm oneself and hand it over. WAY easier said than done….. but effective.

Secondly, if messages are written in sand, they make for easy editing. With our need for consistency, many times, people will cling to things (relationships, jobs, etc.) that no longer serve them. The little boy with the dark cloud above his head? Everyone seemed to notice it but him! He began to believe that was normal…. clouds don’t break, they just float along, dumping content, at will. Everyone else could see that the dark cloud was really a thought projection…. the little boy was creating this overcast sky, perhaps out of a need for the familiar. Change is difficult, even when we want it/need it. Stepping out, for many, is an involuntary action….. but it’s the nudge they need, the mama bird, forcing her baby to fly. No net, no Plan B….. which is scary….. but when things eventually work out (and they will)…. faith is reinforced.

Cursing the darkness is never useful…. lighting a candle is the only way to see, going forward. The only way to go forward, even amid ambiguity, is claiming faith, as a powerful agent. The next time life feels as though it is written in sand, please remember….. the tide is rising….. a new, hopeful, powerful message is waiting, to be written.

God Willing and the Creek Don’t Rise

Lately, I’ve been meditating on patience…. the ability to sit, peacefully, trusting the process. If you try this at home, I can assure you… results will vary…. at least, in the beginning.

There are times in life, when things are so overwhelming…. it feels like one is caught in a riptide. Experience tells us that moving against the current is a sure-fire way to attract the vortex…. yet we flail and flagellate….. because panic has set in. Martin Luther King Jr. said “Faith is taking the first step, even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”  So true, that is faith in motion….  but what about the times when you’ve taken many giant Mother-May- I steps, yet you still feel lost in the fun house?

That’s the time when patience is the best virtue… or, should I say, serves the best. Obviously faith is important… it is what creates a sense of hope and possibility. However, when faith is tested… and it will be….. patience is the super-hero virtue that saves the day. When moving along the path of Sacred Assignment…. well, we feel we should be in constant motion. You’re either growing or dying, right? You’re either making progress or stuck in a state of inertia…. which, in our world, is unacceptable. Trusting the process is for chumps…. the only way to get ahead is locomotion…. the faster, the better!

Yet…. the spiritual path is radically different from the secular; the secular world would have us all believe that if we’re not progressing, then we’re digressing…. and that is what losers do. Losers get caught up in obstacles that switch gears into reverse….. and they never, ever win.

However, the spiritual path is more fluid, more forgiving… I dare say, more whimsical. Growth takes time…. and sometimes, we need a period in the hothouse, under quarantine, before we’re ready to move to the next thing. It feels like we’re being held captive…. when really, we’re receiving an invitation. The invitation is simple…. sit still. Do what is humanly possible, then let it go. Find your patience…. trust the process.

Add fear into this equation and emotions ramp up quickly….. but the whole point of this particular Sacred Assignment is then being missed. The goal is faith, even without the whole staircase visible, with a healthy dose of patience, to bolster the trust. It is a time of refinement…. if we choose to use it as such.

What about the riptide, though? The vortex of emotions that send us into a tail-spin? The need for predictability, the need for stability, the need for ANSWERS! Once again, we’re left with patience. Persistence? Yes. Patience, when persistence seems lacking? A definite yes!

The sacred and the secular often dove-tail… but they also occasionally clash. At these times, the sacred is painful, and the secular is suffocating. Somehow, though, we make it through these times, and if we’ve allowed for distillation, we recognize a new creation. We are somehow a tad bit wiser than we were before…. and possess a tremendous amount of hard-earned inner peace…. a reward which loves to replicate.

God willing and the creek don’t rise….. all we need is a little patience.